you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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