just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
