not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
