I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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