I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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