if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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