I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize