Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
