i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
