apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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