All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We are two peas in an std pod
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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