that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
