i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
