You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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