A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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