She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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