I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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