you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I need to calm my uterus...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
