Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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