i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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