ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize