For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
