this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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