He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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