I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
