Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
