In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
