Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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