i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
