Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
its not stalking. its research.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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