I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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