Don't make out with my wife yet
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
