If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
