we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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