My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Randomize
