How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize