Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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