I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
