You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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