If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Can i not drive my cunt home
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
