My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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