I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
