I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
