Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
