If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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