What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize