What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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