She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
