Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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