Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
