Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
