I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
