just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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