I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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