I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
