I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
