I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
