They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
