So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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