I wish my penis had an off switch
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
