Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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