Michael Bay diarrhea
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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