dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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