Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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