If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
