every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
