I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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